On Motherhood and Separation

The past few days I've managed to catch up with some of my buddies. On Monday T came over with her baby #3 and boy, was she cute. I have this thing that I try to do with babies: Ignore them. I do this because I don't want to get bit by that baby bug--if there is one mantra that has proven to be correct, it has been, "one is enough!" The main reason for that is financial. If I had the extra dough, trust me, I would have had baby number two by now. But focusing on what I do have, Kai my lovely little baby rocks my boat enough not to go there--that is focusing on what I don't got! But anyway, this tactic of ignoring babies never do work, cause by the end of the visit I'm completely in the palm of this baby's little hand. She was smiling and chilling and looking at me like, "You can't resist me!" And she was right. T and I caught up on some things, ate lentil soup with dumplings and chilled. She and I were pregnant together and she mentioned how depressed we were after giving birth. I had to disagree: I think it's easy to mistake the focus that is entirely outside of yourself as depression. When you are a new mother it simply is not about you anymore--especially if you are breastfeeding. You are there to take care of this totally helpless little being and that relationship can be beautiful yet complicated. I'm not saying everyone's introduction into motherhood is like that--I have friends who from day one started taking their babies to concerts and what not, but for me, and T, being in a foreign country as new mothers was, in short, enough to send us off on a bit of a spin. And with that in mind, we did damn well. It's especially difficult when you don't have anyone to talk to--and T and I had that.
Ben, Kai's father said something to me once and it really resonates. He said, "Haven't you ever noticed that the hardest times in your life are always the moments you look back on as being among the best?" Now, I'm not saying that I'll happily go back there to being a new mother: That one was really difficult for me. I enjoyed it for sure, but the level of loneliness I felt was overwhelming. It strengthened me and I would not be the woman I am today--but again, for me, it was a tough boot camp. Not everyone responds to motherhood in this way, however.
Ids came over with her little man the day after T's visit. Her little guy is just 8 months old and boy was he cute! He looks just like her and much to her credit, she seems to have adjusted to motherhood really well. And what does that mean? It certainly doesn't mean that I think she doesn't go through moments of doubting herself, of confusion, of exasperation (hell no, then it wouldn't be motherhood!) but she seems to have accepted the basic tenet of motherhood which is, "surrender." You really have to just give yourself over to it otherwise you will be miserable trying to salvage a bit of your old life while being there for the offspring. Yikes! And when you surrender: You are surrounded by a bubble of zen. This doesn't mean you're not going to be cranky by lack of sleep or you won't be arguing with your partner about whose turn it is to go get the crying offspring--but this is now your focus. And that is what T and I had, when we sat in my old cold-water flat with our little ones, or took them out for walks and attempted to salvage some support from the other. And we were able to give each other that. Again, no small feat for two foreign mothers.
Then S came over while Ids was here and she and her guy just reunited. She really loves him, I can see that, and very happy with the reunion. I am too, cause S is one of the coolest women I have met here in Denmark. We used to work together at another International School and bonded over the fact that we both lived in Hawaii. When I realized that S was as loud as I was, I fell in love. She, like Ids, was a big support for me when Ben and I first split.
Breaking up isn't easy --especially when you got kids. I remember when Ben and I first split and someone saying how easy it was to give up on a marriage. That person didn't know what they were talking about. How can it be easy to admit, "I can't do it." It would be one thing if it was just you had to live with the decision, but try at least two other people now! And add one more person per child if you got more! Breaking up my family and home is the worst thing I have had to in my life. It's a difficult decision I have to live with every day of my life as I wonder with sadness how much I would have loved to have offered my son a family under one roof, with no moving back and forth. So walking away from a marriage, is anything but friggin easy.
But then you realize the other opportunities. The opportunity for your child to see you happy, to see his father happy. The opportunity for your child to see that a relationship doesn't mean emotional distance. And maybe one day you will be able to have a healthy, functioning relationship not only for your child's sake, but most importantly for your sake.
And in the end, although separation and divorce may not have positive connotations, you realize that saying no can be a very healthy thing.
You also can't help but feel a bit of happiness for all your friends who are in the midst of relationships and family and persevering--Because you know that when it's right, it's wonderful. And not wonderful in that fake plastic way, but wonderful in that messy, sometimes you don't know if you can do it kind of way--and when you do do it, you're happy that you did.
And that, dear folks, is the some basic truths 'bout motherhood and separation.