Happy New Year--Keep Your Spam Mail to Yourself!

I wish I could take credit for this--but alas! Someone else beat me to it!


Dear Friends,

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted
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> to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past
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> year. I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat
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> shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge
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> with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the
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> top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any
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> savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the
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> hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive
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> the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for
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> participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank
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> clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me
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> for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
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> intestate. And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have
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> 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only
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> get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish
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> within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove
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> toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend
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> along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
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> when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because
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> someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me. I no longer answer
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> the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll
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> get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
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> Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
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> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
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> it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the five pounds I found dropped
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> in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe
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> murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this
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> email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large
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> pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas
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> from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most
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> unsightly hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a
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> friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
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> cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning Australia. By the
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> way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a
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> lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have
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> enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't
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> bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Happy New Year>