Happy New Year--Keep Your Spam Mail to Yourself!
I wish I could take credit for this--but alas! Someone else beat me to it!
Dear Friends,
As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted
>
> to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past
>
> year. I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat
>
> shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge
>
> with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the
>
> top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any
>
> savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the
>
> hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive
>
> the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for
>
> participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank
>
> clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me
>
> for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
>
> intestate. And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have
>
> 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only
>
> get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish
>
> within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove
>
> toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend
>
> along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
>
> when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because
>
> someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me. I no longer answer
>
> the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll
>
> get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
>
> Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
>
> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
>
> it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the five pounds I found dropped
>
> in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe
>
> murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this
>
> email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large
>
> pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas
>
> from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most
>
> unsightly hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a
>
> friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
>
> cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning Australia. By the
>
> way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a
>
> lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have
>
> enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't
>
> bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Happy New Year>
Dear Friends,
As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted
>
> to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past
>
> year. I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat
>
> shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge
>
> with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to wipe the
>
> top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any
>
> savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the
>
> hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive
>
> the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for
>
> participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank
>
> clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me
>
> for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died
>
> intestate. And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have
>
> 363,214 angels looking out for me. I have learned that my prayers only
>
> get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish
>
> within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove
>
> toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend
>
> along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
>
> when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping centres because
>
> someone will drug me with a food sample and rob me. I no longer answer
>
> the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll
>
> get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
>
> Uzbekistan . I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
>
> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
>
> it bites my bum. I can't even pick up the five pounds I found dropped
>
> in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed axe
>
> murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this
>
> email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large
>
> pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your head and fleas
>
> from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most
>
> unsightly hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a
>
> friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
>
> cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning Australia. By the
>
> way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a
>
> lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have
>
> enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse. Don't
>
> bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Happy New Year>
Comments
I just wanted to wish you a happy New Year. I look forward to reading more of your pieces in 2009!