On a new license to live...

my evening with Marie D. Brown at Cave Canum to see Terrance Hayes
 is definitely one of my recent highlights. 

I settled in into my Norwegian flight from JFK, New York to Copenhagen, Denmark. It was the perfect flight: 9:30pm and arriving the following day, at 11:30 am. Kai had agreed to meet me at the airport and I was ready to get home and take care of business. 

I managed to get all my things in my suitcase, and I risked taking a beautiful vintage, semi-acoustics guitar that Marie had bequeathed me. I crossed my fingers and hoped that I would be allowed on the flight with it as carry on luggage. I know it was a risk, but I really wanted to have it with me, feeling that it's presence would help with my inspiration for my show. It's a Vox Challenger, cherry sunburst in color. When I saw it for the first time, I thought it would be a great guitar to incorporate into my show. I've been playing with the guitar a few years now; with the intention of using it in some way in my work.  This semi-acoustic was perfect: the size, the feel.  Add to this that it once belonged to Marie's brother who fought in Vietnam, and she's guessing that he probably brought it in Europe when he was stationed there. 

It was hard to leave New York. Again. This trip has been defining. I understand better now how life takes care of things - and the importance of silence.  I learned a lot spending time with Brook Stephenson and Jason Reynolds at the Rhode Island Writer's Colony.  Importantly, I found a space where I could not only continue the contemplation necessary for my memoir, but where I could share my work and get feedback. Add to this the opportunity to hear other's writing, about their processes, plans and dreams, the colony had done all that I had expected and more.  Meeting the others involved in this process, Charles Vincent Burwell and Molaundo Jones (all part of the Clever Agency) gave me access to a circle of writers and artists who I found inspiring and incredibly supportive.  I thank all of you. 

The gracious Marie D. Brown extended the use of her beautiful, culturally relevant home for a presentation of our work.  We all had the opportunity to read  to an intimate gathering that began with some snacks and drinks, surrounded by a sea of beautiful books and candle light.  A super thanks to Marie D. Brown and artist Clymenza Hawkins for their support in this!  I also really enjoyed being roommates with Clymenza- her creativity, positivity and vivaciousness for her work and life is amazing and inspiring. 

My mother, great scout that she is, rode with me to the airport from Harlem.  Since it was National Indigenous Day - there were not so many other passengers on the train. It seemed fitting that I should sit on a long train ride from Uptown to Queens. To be able to witness the different personalities that each stop gives privy to: whether it's the younger, eclectic mix of West 4th or the more corporate/residential environment of 81st Street. We ate bad Chinese food once there, and made our way to the security line.  That's when I started to cry. The last three times I have been to New York, I found leaving always difficult. 

The first time I realized this was the time I missed my flight by a day. I didn't want to leave New York at all. That was the trip when Debbie and I walked to Brooklyn.  When we rolled up on my mom and grandmother and we all went to have Jamaican food at Buff Patty on  Myrtle.  It was when my grandmother still had a glimpse of recognition in her eyes when she saw me.  I had just begun my job teaching. 

The time after that was the visit before last. I asked my friend Jay Braun to take me to the airport. Jay and I went to college together and have even been roommates. He's a musician and sound engineer. Jay is one of those guys who's immensely intelligent and will keep you laughing for hours. The problem is, it took us four hours to get to the airport.  The good thing is that a) Jay and I had time to catch up on everything from politics to art and b) I really wasn't ready to come back to Copenhagen, so when I learned I missed my flight, it was without much regret that I made my way back to the car for the drive back to Harlem.  

So my mother and I arrive at the airport. Luckily my suitcase is not overweight and is checked-in. After our uneventful Chinese food dinner, we make our way to the security line and that's when I start to cry. But I pull myself together. I have business to take care of! 

Luckily for me, I'm allowed on the plane unhindered despite my guitar. Phew! Now I can relax! The passenger  who is supposed to sit next to me decides to sit elsewhere, so there was an empty seat between another passenger and myself. I had an aisle seat and the woman who sat by the window shot me a friendly smile.  I was feeling good, I had made it and was on my way back to my son. I was feeling sad because I had no idea what I was going to do when I got back. I thought about my apartment and where I wanted to live. I thought about my memoir and various articles I've started to work on.  All I know is that I have to live a life that is authentically me. Not anyone else's idea of what success is, but mine. 

This has been an interesting process - pulling myself back, observing life. Seeing where I am, seeing where others are.  And luckily, feeling stronger from it all. There have been some setbacks, and there will be more - but suddenly it is if what is truly important has emerged, pushing all the petty challenges to the background, forcing me to deal with my biggest challenge: creating the life I want for myself. 

I've really learned how important it is to keep your conversation positive. That even when people appear to have everything- whether it is financial freedom, a house, car - whatever it is that is flaunted as the accruements of happiness, they can be broken.  I have learned that when you walk around with paranoia and insecurity- Life will throw back those images and experiences at you. Luckily, having the opportunity to witness these traits in other people, have enabled me to see these traits better in myself. Every human encounters is a blessing, something to learn from, no matter how fleeting. 

Fear is another factor. I have learned that when someone speaks their dream out loud to me, how important it is to be encouraging. That talking about my ideas somehow takes all the power out of it. That sometimes people say mean and bad things to each other- but that to be forgiving is important. That you can feel you have a lifelong bond with someone, and you don't need to see that person, or necessarily talk to them ever again.  That you could feel you have a lifelong bond with someone, and you don't. That there have been and continue to be a group of fearless, loving people and all that I have to do is keep my heart open. I am not confused about this.  

I had an amazing and defining trip to New York and Rhode Island and again, was ready to come back to Copenhagen and create my new life.  I started to appreciate the perceived "breakdowns" as stories with their own lessons inherent in them for me to learn.  I have accepted that some friendships have reached their expiration dates, and that in my messy evolution in becoming the woman that I want to be, that that's part of the process.  I have accepted that there are new people to meet, some of whom I have already began a new dialogue on life with. 

Moving to Denmark has been an adventure all in its own. I've had successful stints and experienced a lot of heartbreak and sadness. But what warms my heart more than anything are those that I continue to bump into, or meet up with, who throughout the years, no matter how long the period of time has been - show me through their patience, trust and understanding, that they love and support me.  Unconditionally.  This is an important feeling to experience. We are all human and want to feel understood. There have been many hiccups throughout the years, but I trust that I am on my path.  

The last few years have been a bitch ya'll. I'm not complaining- I'm just saying. Between deciding to stop teaching, starting a business, dealing with clients, getting my writing together, not feeling Denmark, wanting to parent better, Ugh! It was an awful spell that I had worked myself into.  Being around Brook Stephenson, Jason Reynolds and the rest of that crew helped build my spirit immensely. It was like basking in positivity. Slowly, a little bud started to open up within my heart- it was the will to live, the ability to see the positive in life again. Oh, it was wonderful! Feeling hopeful after years of sadness is no small achievement, and I am so thankful for that.  Add to this experience of being around Marie D. Brown- whose wisdom and patience has continues to fortify me-- , the bookcases chock-full-of books, pictures and presence. "You have to do the work, Lesley", Marie would remind me when we talked about writing.  

One evening Marie invited me to go with her to the fall Lecture & Master Class series in Brooklyn at Cave Canum on  Thursday, October 9 with Terrance Hayes on “Turning into Dwelling: The Space between the Poet and the Poem,” a talk on the work of poet Christopher Gilbert.  Afterwards, we all went to dinner (all of us part of Marie's very comprehensive list of mentees. There's the recent Columbia School of Journalism graduate Janeesha, navigating her first year out of school.  Then there was LaParis (I LOVE that name!) who has been putting pen to paper and starting her literary journey.  Sitting in a Mexican restaurant in the DUMBO area of Brooklyn, I was transported back to the 90s when restaurant dining with other writers along with Marie was part of the Marie Brown Associates experience. 

During the flight I noticed that my neighbor had a notebook out and was writing in what looked suspiciously like creative writing.  I could tell from the way she wrote the words down on the page, that it was a poem. It wasn't that I was being nosey or anything (lol) but it did pique my interest.  When I woke up from what could only be described as my sardine-can nap, I saw that we were just an hour away from Copenhagen, which in plane time seems like seconds- that last hour has a brilliant way of just winding all up to the destination.  My neighbor also woke up, and this time we started talking. 

"I don't mean to pry, but are you a writer?" I asked. What are the chances of my sitting next to someone who wrote, and who was also on her way back to Copenhagen? I wanted to build a writing community and was looking for recruits.  Turns out that Nina, for that is her name, is a half-American, half-Danish poet.  
"I was just contemplating how to kill myself once I got back to Copenhagen", I joked. 
"Me too!" She chimed in, and we both shared a much needed laugh. In that short amount of time, I met not only a writing partner, but someone with whom I could forge a positive bond with. Someone who, like me, is going through major changes, and wants to build a community conducive to creating the life envisioned. 

I had a similar experience in New  York where I ended up in the house of two amazing women in Upstate New York. I won't bore you with details, but suffice it to say I was in an emergency situation and luckily for me, a goddess arrived to save me.  I ended up back at Shamsi's crib in Woodstock, New York- sipping on some tea and enjoying the company of someone who although I had never met before, felt familiar to me. Her cousin, Jaleh, is also working on her travel memoir. We decided the following day to create a partnership on getting our work finished and out there.  

I have been doing a lot of positive thinking and visualization lately. I realize and have experienced that if I spend too much time visualizing my fears- they become real. So now, I'm visualizing my hopes. 

So now I'm back in Copenhagen, recharged and not feeling loaded down or stuffed with the stinking, foul energy that I seem to have been battling with for some time now. Yes! This whole process has definitely built my compassion for all of you who are suffering from any kind of sadness, depression or negativity. It can truly be a beast. And it may not be one I can totally get rid of, but my goodness, does it feel great to have some distance to it and feel hopeful again. 

I may have made some clumsy decisions, but man am I happy to feel hopeful again.  

farvel, 
lesley