The Giant Plunge
I have had this weird feeling in my body all day--an anxiety that usually comes about from too much caffeine. But I have only had one cup of coffee today and I try to breathe all the way down to the bottom of my lungs to settle the fluttering of my heart.
Ben and I took a lovely walk along the harbor and managed not to piss each other off. We enjoyed each other's company, and I managed to realize that when I gave him a jovial shove, it was really because I wanted to kiss him. I didn't kiss him though and wondered when I would stop being a coward when it came to love.
I did order herbal tea instead of coffee and felt proud that I made a constructive decision for myself. The tea however, did not settle my anxiety.
As we parted (we kissed this time) and I continued my walk, I realized what the root of my anxiety was. It was because I am in a space in my life I have specifically avoided for most of my adult life--a stability and quiet necessary to completing my novel. It is because I have now successfully stripped my life down to the bare necessities simply so that I can do what I am born to do--and that is write.
I can not hide behind my job, my son, my partner or my friends anymore. I am here, complete and perfectly as Lesley Ann Brown, the woman who is working on her novel.
Amen.
Ben and I took a lovely walk along the harbor and managed not to piss each other off. We enjoyed each other's company, and I managed to realize that when I gave him a jovial shove, it was really because I wanted to kiss him. I didn't kiss him though and wondered when I would stop being a coward when it came to love.
I did order herbal tea instead of coffee and felt proud that I made a constructive decision for myself. The tea however, did not settle my anxiety.
As we parted (we kissed this time) and I continued my walk, I realized what the root of my anxiety was. It was because I am in a space in my life I have specifically avoided for most of my adult life--a stability and quiet necessary to completing my novel. It is because I have now successfully stripped my life down to the bare necessities simply so that I can do what I am born to do--and that is write.
I can not hide behind my job, my son, my partner or my friends anymore. I am here, complete and perfectly as Lesley Ann Brown, the woman who is working on her novel.
Amen.
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