And the Heavens Cried
Tony Medina finally made it out of Copenhagen yesterday. It only took him about a week to do so. Days of trucking on down to the airport with this heavy shoulder bag, days of waiting at the airport, of waiting, and waiting until the gates closed and realizing he'd have to spend another evening in Copenhagen. But he took it well despite the 15 dollars someone else was earning on account of his car being parked at the airport. And the visit transformed itself from my being overly protective of my space, to my finally opening myself up and letting myself enjoy the fact that hey, I got a friend here visiting me.
Having Tony here made me think of the things I don't have and what I didn't do as opposed to what I do have and am in the process of doing. And then I realized why I sometimes allowed so much time to pass before coming home to New York--the gravitational pull makes me lose focus. But I know the road signs, and let's face it, I ain't and can't go nowhere right now and what's the greatest gift you can give yourself? Appreciating where you are and who you have around you.
This morning the skies broke down with rain as if it sensed this battle within and the relief I felt at not having him here no more, cause the longer he stayed here, again, the more I realized the life I could never have: Right now, at least.
But I loved having him here. I'll miss the phone calls at my job, when he'd say in his best The 6th Sense voice, "I see white people everywhere!!!" I'll miss the reading together, the conversations on race, art, literature, poetry, life--love. Having him here was like finally getting some rum in my coke.
But again the sadness his presence threatened to pull from me--the sadness I push down deep down inside of me so that no one can see how much I miss amber, chocolate, gold and ebony reflections. The sadness inherent in, as he said, In Search of Color Everywhere. I'm too tired to explain that connection. Those of you who know what I mean, know, the others...well.
So it rained this morning and all day, like the heavens knew he left. But I can't even say I was sad really, cause it meant I got my apartment back. I'd describe it more like an uneasy melancholy, which could just as easily tip over to joy or despair at any given moment. But thank god for work! I lose myself in meaningless paper shuffling and chatter. It keeps me outside myself except for the fact that I longed to write all day, but couldn't.
So anyway, the Medina has left the building. After work yesterday I met Jill and a fellow Trini, Marsha. Jill is being a risk-taker (cool stuff) and moving on to a new adventure and chapter in life with her family in the States. Jill is like the quintessential cool woman and exemplifies what I love about other human beings the most: Smiles, warmth, intelligence, beauty. You feel really lucky to know her and finally, we got to get together outside of work. Marsha is, like I said, a fellow Trini and wow! I looked into her eyes and saw a fire that reminded me of all the power and sass I used to be surrounded by all my life. We ate dinner at Kate's and then I made it over to Pam & Mads' cause tomorrow is the BIG DAY! First they fly to Florida, then they pick up their boat and begin their year-long journey down the Caribbean to South America! I'll miss Pam!!! But while there I met some other cool women: the Serbian with the sexy, decadent accent (Eva! You are so cool!)and Helen, with whom I spoke to about the alternative sources of information (let's definitely hook up for some projects!). So by the time I got off the bus and walked in the late evening towards my house, I felt at peace and when I opened my apartment door and saw that my dear friend had departed, I was ok with it. I didn't panic that I was, once again, alone here, cause in the end, I am not.
Oh and Karen sent me this amazing article from the New York Times about deafness (thanks girl!). It brought tears to my eyes.
Having Tony here made me think of the things I don't have and what I didn't do as opposed to what I do have and am in the process of doing. And then I realized why I sometimes allowed so much time to pass before coming home to New York--the gravitational pull makes me lose focus. But I know the road signs, and let's face it, I ain't and can't go nowhere right now and what's the greatest gift you can give yourself? Appreciating where you are and who you have around you.
This morning the skies broke down with rain as if it sensed this battle within and the relief I felt at not having him here no more, cause the longer he stayed here, again, the more I realized the life I could never have: Right now, at least.
But I loved having him here. I'll miss the phone calls at my job, when he'd say in his best The 6th Sense voice, "I see white people everywhere!!!" I'll miss the reading together, the conversations on race, art, literature, poetry, life--love. Having him here was like finally getting some rum in my coke.
But again the sadness his presence threatened to pull from me--the sadness I push down deep down inside of me so that no one can see how much I miss amber, chocolate, gold and ebony reflections. The sadness inherent in, as he said, In Search of Color Everywhere. I'm too tired to explain that connection. Those of you who know what I mean, know, the others...well.
So it rained this morning and all day, like the heavens knew he left. But I can't even say I was sad really, cause it meant I got my apartment back. I'd describe it more like an uneasy melancholy, which could just as easily tip over to joy or despair at any given moment. But thank god for work! I lose myself in meaningless paper shuffling and chatter. It keeps me outside myself except for the fact that I longed to write all day, but couldn't.
So anyway, the Medina has left the building. After work yesterday I met Jill and a fellow Trini, Marsha. Jill is being a risk-taker (cool stuff) and moving on to a new adventure and chapter in life with her family in the States. Jill is like the quintessential cool woman and exemplifies what I love about other human beings the most: Smiles, warmth, intelligence, beauty. You feel really lucky to know her and finally, we got to get together outside of work. Marsha is, like I said, a fellow Trini and wow! I looked into her eyes and saw a fire that reminded me of all the power and sass I used to be surrounded by all my life. We ate dinner at Kate's and then I made it over to Pam & Mads' cause tomorrow is the BIG DAY! First they fly to Florida, then they pick up their boat and begin their year-long journey down the Caribbean to South America! I'll miss Pam!!! But while there I met some other cool women: the Serbian with the sexy, decadent accent (Eva! You are so cool!)and Helen, with whom I spoke to about the alternative sources of information (let's definitely hook up for some projects!). So by the time I got off the bus and walked in the late evening towards my house, I felt at peace and when I opened my apartment door and saw that my dear friend had departed, I was ok with it. I didn't panic that I was, once again, alone here, cause in the end, I am not.
Oh and Karen sent me this amazing article from the New York Times about deafness (thanks girl!). It brought tears to my eyes.
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